My apologies for going MIA the past couple of months. Work has really picked up and in between all of that and training, there really isn’t much time for anything else. For those of you who don’t already know, I’ll be launching my own brand of coffee in the coming weeks (exciting news! Yay!) and that’s whats been keeping me busy.
One thing i’ve really not had time to do recently has been to reflect on myself, outbursts and meltdowns. With the increased workload coupled with the fatigue of training, my meltdowns have been extraordinary. And I don’t mean that in a good way.
While meltdowns have been discussed by me before, the one thing I never really spoke about was being in a relationship with an Autistic / ADHD person. My wife and I have been married for less than a year and I cannot be more thankful for her becoming such a huge part of my life. Looking back on all my previous relationships however, I realised just how good I was at pushing people away from me all the time. Perhaps it was fear of judgment or the inability to understand emotion and stimuli to a certain extent. Perhaps it was my own choice to withdraw from others rather than face difficult issues or maybe even wanting something from a perfect love story that would never exist.
The answer became very simple and apparent to me. The closer people got to me, the further I wanted to be from them. Why? I don’t know for sure but it makes me really uncomfortable when people get too close and you can only imagine how uncomfortable the proximity of being in a relationship must be. Yet, a part of me always longed to be loved and in the world’s greatest irony, would result in me pushing the other person away.
The heartfelt truth in telling this story is something that has wrapped itself in my head for a long time. Is it then selfish for someone like me to want to find love knowing that there is a high chance we will disappoint the other person? The truth is that i’ll never know and I doubt we will ever get to the bottom of this. What I do know is that we feel the pain, heartbreak and irresponsibility of our actions more than anyone else even though we don’t show it. And because of the Autism and ADHD combination, I feel it in multiple degrees but yet struggle to show any emotion when it matters most.
But with every sad sounding story there is always a silver lining and this is where I believe opening up and talking about my condition saved my life and current relationship on so many levels. But trust me, it was difficult. When you’re someone who is hypersensitive to everything around you, opening up and talking about everything that hurts and pains you is truly difficult.
The day she held me amidst the tears of a massive meltdown instead of walking away will always remain engraved in my head. Where so many would have chosen to walk away and brand me as an unstable person, she stood by and held me close as the beast within me got free. It must have been difficult because I had spent the last 15 minutes being a real pain and was even verbally abusive but yet she stood by me, chose to understand and comforted me although the pain within her was probably more than mine.
Has it gotten easier since then? Sometimes knowing that there is someone I can turn to during my worst of days seems to reduce the impact of this monster that lives within me. Knowing that there is someone who will hold and comfort me has also reduced my abusive behaviour and all my past of throwing things around has come to an almost complete stop. There is so much to be thankful for but to her I am the most thankful. Where so many others walked away, she chose to stay the fight and together we will win this war.